SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER

Contributed by Jared Hardman

Received via email:

• I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
• Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
• I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl %28Penny Brown%29 who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
• I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e%2Dmail program..
• I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
• I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
• I no longer use cancer causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
• Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
• Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
• I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
• I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
• I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
• And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face disfiguring me for life.
• I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS .
• I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
• I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
• I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
• I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore, and Uzbekistan
• I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
• Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
• And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
• I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

Have a wonderful day....